I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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