I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
