Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(734): View more from Michigan

But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is

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(512): View more from Texas

Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

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(562): View more from California

If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important

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(407): View more from Florida

I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.

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