So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
