im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize