So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
