My liver just broke up with me...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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