dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
