Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
