just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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