The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
