I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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