Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
