i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
