We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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