I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
