new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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