I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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