Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
