I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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