Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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