Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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