Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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