Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
