I love black thongs
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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