I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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