i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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