He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
