I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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