I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
