That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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