dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
