oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I supernannyed him into submission
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
