just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You are the jesus of drinking
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
