Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
