i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
