It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
