If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
