Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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