If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
it was like eating out sand paper
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize