im about as happy as oj after his trial
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
