couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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