Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize