I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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