Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I FOUND THE LEGS
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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