U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
