the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
