My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
