He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
