I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
