Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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